Plants aren’t really my thing.

But I kind of wish they could be. They’re so alive in a different sort of way than we are.

Especially in the last few years, plants have become something that is intrinsically attached to my sister and her personality. It has seemed to get increasingly  less of something that I could ever do myself because it is her “thing,” not mine.

It is funny how we can sometimes become so intimidated or fearful of our ineptitude because someone around us excels at it more than we do. We don’t sew because we think we’re bad at it. We don’t skateboard because we fall off a few times. We don’t cook because we burnt a can of soup. It is sad that we easily and subconsciously prevent ourselves from learning new things.

With that being said, I bought myself some ornamental bamboo from ikea the other day. I’ve kind of lived at ikea in the last few weeks… or rather months? Anyways, It seems like I go just about once a week, but on my most recent trip I found these little guys for $1.99 each. I got myself a few stems as a secret little project for myself. I won’t be telling my sister that I’m interested in it because I want it to be mine. They say that according to the art of feng shui, each number of bamboo stems is said to bring different things. On the whole, the plant is said to be used to attract things like good health, happiness, love and abundance. Basically it is attracting luck and good things. Of course there is no harm in that as far as I’m concerned.

Each arrangement of bamboo has a specific number of stalks. The meanings behind each number are derived from Chinese words resembling the numbers. For example: Eight sounds like the Chinese word “Fah” which means to grow or thrive. Therefore having anarrangement of eight bamboo stalks will help a person grow and thrive.

Other numbers:

TWO– Successful couple or relationship

THREE– Luck, Wealth, & Longevity

FIVE– Five branches of life from which wealth is derived

SIX– Prosperity & Favorable Conditions

SEVEN– Good Health

EIGHT– Grow & Thrive

TEN– Complete & Perfect

TWENTY-ONE – All Purpose Blessing

I would like to learn about cacti eventually. That could be my type of plant, the thing that opens the gate that I’ve created for myself to the plant world. Cacti seem to be a little less fussy than others and it is something that I think would be fascinating to learn about. Some cacti can grow to be very big or tall, or quite round. They are all so different. Some of them look alien and you can hardly believe they could be found in the wild. Their needs are also quite different from other plants. They can easily be drowned or starved for water. Their roots even need to be planted in very different kinds of soil than normal. They will eventually die if they are left in a pot too small. These are things I have learned so far.

I want to feel like I can have plants, because they remind me to be still and calm down. All they seem to do is sit there and put one after another leaf out. I’d like to have that kind of a reminder in my home.

The Aerospace Museum

The weekends are busy.

My trip to the Calgary Aerospace Museum today was seriously amazing. I’m actually in love with some of the images I captured on my visit.

I was fascinated by the patterns that the rivets make on their bodies and wings. Designs made by the brilliant people who crafted these crazy pieces of machinery. Their intricate complexity is so much that you would have to be a genius to work on them.

These airplanes are kind of beautiful and awe inspiring perched on display like this. Their retirement so far removed from the noisy, sometimes violent and exciting lives they once had. Take the time to have a look through.

 

 

Part two: The Paint

The first part of this “series” can be found here, which tells about prepping the piece before you get to the messy-fun stuff.

I rescued this pretty little dressing table out of an alleyway near my house. This was over a month or so ago and I had been working on refinishing it for what felt like forever. It looked like the teenage girl that had it, was messier with makeup than a bull in a china shop. The table top surface was scratched and scarred and it looked to me like it needed a little loving attention. Or rather a lot by the time I was finished with it. I gave it a complete made for TV makeover.

There are a few important things you will need for this next part of the project. First is your stain, you could use anything, but for the purpose here I’m using Minwax Polyshades. It’s a one step process; no stripping, or priming or any funky extra stuff. You’ll also absolutely need a natural bristle brush. This is important because it won’t react with anything in the stain. I tried using a polyester brush at first and it made everything look streaky and not so fabulous. I paid three bucks for my brushes from Walmart.

You’ll also need steel wool, and any kind of paint thinner; also some gloves and a drop cloth if you are really being cautious. I just used a big old box that was laying around to catch any spills or stray drips.

The paint thinner is for cleaning brushes and fixing mistakes. It is the only thing that will remove oil based paint or stain and as long as you don’t let the brush dry out in between coats, you shouldn’t need more than one paintbrush if you use thinner every time you’re done for the day. Of course you could also buy 6 brushes and forgo the thinner by throwing each one out when you’re done a coat.

As I said, you can also use paint thinner to wipe away the stain if you notice it dribbles or drips anywhere. As long as you catch it while its still wet, or still tacky at the very least, you can take a rag with some paint thinner on it and wipe the mistakes away.

One key thing about working with this stuff is to lay the portion you’re working on perfectly flat so that it settles properly. It has a bit of a strange consistency, so when you first brush it on, it will look streaky and kind of bad but as it sits it smoothes out. If it is put on remotely too thick or you try to paint in any direction other than horizontally flat, it will drip. Trust me. Even if you think it’s cured, leave it laying flat until it completely dries. I left each area to dry over night as I was working. I found this the best way to do it because if I tried to do too much or If I got impatient or greedy, it would inevitably trickle down or do something equally annoying.

As with many projects like this, patience is the ultimate key.

The photo above shows the very first thing I painted. The drawers turned out really nicely here and I would have liked to just do one coat but as I moved along, it became apparent that that wasn’t going to fly. I ended up doing two if not three coats on almost everything.

In between each coat you want to let it dry overnight and scrub it down with the steel wool before the next layer. This will scratch it up just enough to give the next layer something to cling to.

This was coat number one on the cubbies, I ended up with two coats by the time I was done these. I also used the painters tape method on the edges.

Two things I will mention now. First, you can see in the lower center of the picture of the drawers above, that there are some of those darn drips I was talking about earlier. You have to be so careful to make every stroke lightly and evenly, so that there are no globs anywhere. Globs are bound to turn to drips. What I ended up doing with these edges (where it was impossible to lay them flat) was I used the painters tape and lightly stuck it along the upper edge on the front face of the drawer so that I could add a third coat to each edge. This prevented any scuffing with the paintbrush bristles on the nice clean drawer front. I also did this with the table top and in a few other areas. With the espresso shade I chose, these three coats turned the edges jet black (which I didn’t mind in the end) but it’s up to you. I’m not sure how any other Minwax shade would behave.

The second thing I will mention is that I’d recommend working as fast as you can without making too many mistakes. It tends to smooth out better if you work quickly. I don’t exactly know the science behind it but it helped me get a nicer finish when I was conscious to be fast.

The only areas that didn’t fit the horizontal-flat rule here, were the tables legs. I didn’t want to detach them from the bulk of the table because I figured it would be a hassle to work out how to paint all the way around them in any other position. I left them screwed on and worked really fast on each one individually working from bottom to top. This way I would avoid impatient smears and cursing. Again you have to have really big long strokes here, and keep the stain in thinner coats to avoid the dreaded drips.

 

I would also say that its easier to paint larger areas if you keep the edges of wherever you paint wet. That means work from bottom up, one side to the other, in horizontal strips, whatever works best, just make sure that you don’t paint in patches because you will end up with unevenness and streaky bits where it partially dries in between strokes.

Below you can see how I positioned the table as I painted her legs. This way any drips were going to go vertically anyways and as I said I worked really fast and by the time I was done I had two coats on each leg. The legs probably turned out the best out of the whole project even though I was most nervous to do them.

Those strange little wobbly shapes are the mirror supports, I think they got three coats in the end and I did them similarly to the mirror which I mention a little further on.

I think I’m making this stuff out to be really complicated and unforgiving but honestly it could be worse, with many other products out there it gets complicated pretty quick. Refinishing furniture with stain or lacquer isn’t easy. It takes work and I wouldn’t call it a “one afternoon” kind of job. If you want that kind of a project I would look at spray-paint or regular brush/roller paint. It’s much more forgiving, yet the flat-horizontal rule would still apply there as well.

The next step was the mirror, this was tricky. Because it is round, I couldn’t tape off any of the edges other than to cover the glass. To work around that, I did it in three stages. The inside edge got two coats first, then the front of the frame got one coat. Next I balanced it on some water glasses to give the outside edges their two coats. Lastly, I painted the front of the frame with it’s second coat and did some touch ups. I left the second coat on the front for the end so that any mess ups or smudges from the other two parts would be covered up. I wanted that area to look flawless because it is what everybody looks at.

The biggest task of all was the table top. It is the largest area and it is where I learned the paint-systematically-tip the hard way. I began it’s first coat by painting in patches, kind of from the center outward. This was a mistake because as you can see from the image on the right, it came out super patchy. It looked really bad and streaky.

It doesn’t look so bad from far away (below) but if you were to look any closer you would definitely have noticed it, even with two coats. That picture was taken just before I left everything for three weeks while I got mad at myself for being impatient.

Another little tip is don’t paint outside unless there is absolutely no wind. Little particles of dust and crud will get in this stuff and it will also look really bad. You almost need perfectly optimum conditions to make it look any good at all haha.

At this point I was so frustrated because it was streaky and speckled with all kinds of wind crud and nothing was working properly. To be honest, at one point I was so mad at myself that I was scared I’d have to pull out the power sander and start from scratch. Eventually I had a brilliant idea as I was scrubbing away some annoying little drips (Or at least I think it was a good idea, some refinisher out there will be rolling their eyes and pulling their hair).

So, what I noticed was that I actually liked how the scrubbed stain looked. It seemed like it would be better for the table top anyways, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about scratching my paint job because it would already be scratched up. This way it would hide a little bit of the daily wear and tear without slapping a big piece of glass on top to protect everything. So I got to work and scrubbed my butt off. I left the legs and the edges of everything as it was and scrubbed the table top, the front of the mirror frame, the drawer fronts, and the top surfaces of the cubbies so that everything kind of matched.

I was pretty proud of my ingenuity to make a bad problem workable. Scrubbing really did the trick to even everything out and make it look intentional. It kind of just looks like a really matte finish now.

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Below you can see the completely finished product. I shined up the original brass pulls and put her all back together and she looked like a brand new piece of furniture! The only thing I am still pondering over is what to do with the insides of the cubbies. I didn’t want to paint them with the stain because I thought it would be a nightmare and a half, so I’ve just left it for now. I’ve been thinking about covering them with contact paper in a nice pattern or maybe painting them a solid bright colour. Who knows but for now I tucked these two pretty little silver dishes in them jazz it up a bit.

All in all it was a heap of work but I certainly think it was worth it. I love how it turned out and I’m pretty proud of my determination. I intend to eventually use it as an entryway table in my home so we can tuck our keys away in the drawers and I can primp my hair before I run out the door.

This was certainly a long one, but as far as I’m concerned the information is valuable for the amateur furniture refinisher.

Happy refinishing! I’d love to see anyone else’s projects!

Part one: The Prep

I rescued this pretty little dressing table out of an alleyway near my house. This was over a month or so ago and I had been working on refinishing it for what felt like forever. It looked like the teenage girl that had it was messier with makeup than a bull in a china shop. The table top surface was scratched and scarred and it looked to me like it needed a little loving attention. Or rather a lot by the time I was finished with it. I gave it a complete made for TV makeover.

The little picture to the left is the only one I have of how it looked originally. I had already begun to sand the top surface by that point, which was the main damage area. I was intending to just paint that part at first, but I ended up going a whole lot further.

This thing evolved a few times since that point.

As you can see, it was a rich reddish cherry colour and…while it was nice, It really wasn’t my style at all. I would have struggled and fought to match it with anything I own.

So I went to Home Hardware to look at staining and painting options. Eventually I settled on the 1 Step Minwax PolyShades. Being somewhat of a novice “refinisher” I wanted to try and make it as painless as possible…which didn’t end up working very well but I think any other product would have been ten times worse. This thing is pretty cheap too, I think I paid 10 dollars for it and I got the smaller can because I figured it would be just enough to get me through. If you’re doing a bigger project you’ll need the big can though because I just skimmed by with this. The colour I chose is the Espresso Satin finish. I had to go darker so that it would cover all that cherry-ness and I liked this rich brownish black so I dived right in and decided to go all the way with this thing. I think it was definitely worth it because it would have looked hokey with some of the other options I was cooking up. So all in all a pretty little dressing table for a whopping 15 or 20$ all things considered.

First off I have to address something that was a huge struggle. The type of paintbrush. I don’t know why, maybe because this product is oil based, but you need to use a natural bristle brush. It can’t be made of anything synthetic because for some reason it reacts to the product and it will not produce the nice smooth texture we’re looking for. It just looks kinda bad.

Anything similar to the one on the left is perfect and you don’t even need an expensive one. I think I paid 3$ for the ones I was using from Wal-Mart and then threw them out after.

This is a picture of some parts sanded and the whole thing taken apart. I disconnected the mirror and the little cubicles and took out the drawers because I thought it would be easier to get everything painted nicely. That way none of the old colour would come peeking through at any point and I wouldn’t have to mess around taping stuff as much. I took off all of the hardware as well and put it in a ziplock bag so nothing got lost. (Expert tip).

I mostly just used regular sand paper to clean off the laquer type sealant that was originally on there. This is important because otherwise the Polyshades will just sit on top and it won’t be able to sink into the wood. You basically want to sand until the whole thing isn’t shiny any longer. Or at least in the areas you want to refinish.

 

Anything that I did have to tape, I used the green painter’s stuff, as you might expect. This extra step included around the mirror and some of the edges to get them crisp. I’ll go over that little bit later but I just used little pieces and worked my way around the frame so that any smudges wouldn’t wreck the mirror.

If you DO smudge it’s okay, there’s a way to fix it that I’ll talk about when we get there.

 

(Below) is a before and after of sanding and removing the knobs on the little drawers so that you can get a little bit of an idea of how far you need to take the sanding job. Again, just enough that it doesn’t shine any longer, you don’t have to sand your life away until you get rid of all of the previously stained colour. As long as you pick a darker shade, the Minwax will cover the rest.

Before

After

Here’s just another little before and after (Left) of the cubicles that sit on the tabletop and support the mirror.

 

(Below) shows almost all of the parts completely sanded, aside from the mirror and drawers.

 

You may not be able to tell very well from the photos below, but it’s also important to test the Minwax first (or really any product) in a spot that isn’t visible. This is to make sure it doesn’t react weirdly with anything that is already on there and is also handy to test what ballpark the colour will end up in. As soon as all of that prep work was done I got down to business.

This post is separated into two segments. The prep, and the painting, just so that it makes it a little easier to digest.

The link to part two is here.

Happy prepping!

 

Some Silly Little Photos

They’re blurry, and I like them that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hiatus

Grandpa’s office

I has been a really long time. Too long I think but I just needed a little space.

My family and my life and my situation felt like it was falling on top of me for a period of time there. And honestly I probably should have kept on writing because it feels like free therapy to me, but I just couldn’t. Everything was such a shock and I was just holding on for dear life. One thing after another, I did my very best to keep it together. I think I did a pretty good job but I broke down a few times nevertheless. As we all do.

The funerals, the fights, the upsets, the stress, the damage control I was living under was like a rock placed on my shoulders.

It has been really hard, and everyone goes through times like this, I don’t believe I’m any different. When we least expect it, life can get tough. Curveballs get thrown. Even if we think things are already bad, they can even get worse.

My mind went dry under the circumstances. Typically I am overflowing with ideas, about all kinds of things but a few weeks ago I was simply drawing a blank. My mind couldn’t create. It’s funny how every grievance affects us so differently. When I was 13 or 14 and my grandfather passed away I was torn apart, It changed my life. Earlier this year when his wife finally passed away we saw it coming, it was expected and some in the family prayed for an end to her long suffering.

But this last death of my remaining grandfather was another shock. A different kind from the previous one now that I have been so exposed to death and its fallout, but still quite shaking. I wouldn’t have expected to be affected in this way but I really looked up to that man. I don’t know if I even realized how much.

When I returned home I began to push and push on a project I had begun a few months before and had never finished. It was a dainty little dressing table that I picked up in the alleyway. It was in rough shape but fixable so I began to refinish it. Eventually I struck an impasse and was making mistakes and getting frustrated. I took a break from it and then a week later my grandfather died. He spent his life fixing things, building things, and working with his hands. Once he left us, I realized that I had to finish the vanity. It almost felt like it was in tribute to his memory. It felt good to work and to feel self-assured in what I was doing. I was In my element, the one I shared with grandpa, creating something again.

Even now I am just about brought to tears but I believe with all my heart that he would have been proud. He would have again called me his little carpenter just as he did a few weeks prior to his death.

I think I have grieved my grandfather well.

I’m not sure about my grandmother on the other hand. I may go out to the cemetery to visit her in the next few days. There was too much stress at the time of her death. There was not enough time.

I still have many many anxieties, my situation is overwhelming but I will begin to write again. I have a few projects up my sleeve. It is good. I will continue to work, which will require some pushing, but I will do it.

We Lost Another

It seems as though this year has been full of loss for me. Maybe others also feel similar right now. I know that there are reasons why we lose people in life, but it doesn’t always make it easier to understand. Life is so different depending on the other people in it, it is one of the greatest determining factors.

My grandpa passed away last night at 3 am. He had broken his hip a few days ago and I haven’t been told exactly what happened yet, but I assume he passed away in his sleep. He was a really brilliant and wonderful man. He was 95 and old enough to remember when they put the first lightbulb in his town. He was a farmer, and a very wise one who always carried on. He could fix just about anything and his mind was unfettered up until the end. I had just seen him a few weeks ago and I watched him use his table saw for the last time, he watched and helped me build cabinets for their bathroom. We fixed a sewing machine together. It was time spent that will always mean a lot to me now.

I think we get the best parts of ourselves from our grandparents. All four of mine were fiercely important to me and I can pick apart my countenance to find traces of all of them. My music comes from my grandpa Moon, my strength from my grandma Moon, and  my stubborn yet caring part comes from grandma Maron. My handy man skills come from this special grandpa. These people were often the glue that held together my life.

Every day, I miss the grandparents I have already lost, and I will treasure the one I have left. They have truly shaped who I am.

Please cherish your grandparents today.

Abstract Photography

I learned of something that I likely could have already assumed, but I didn’t really know there was a name and a real category for it. It seems rather silly because I think I have already been interested in it without even knowing.

It is called abstract photography and by what the name implies, it is similar to abstract art except in a different medium. This medium is of course photography. Instead of almost re-displaying the world as we know it (which photography often does), these images will concentrate on basic principles of design like shape, form, colour, repetition, line, etc. It is to me, a way of seeing and redefining those natural shapes that occur in our world and pushing them into different meanings by all but removing the automatic judgements we make. Our own experiences with the things around us produce very specific connotations when we see them. Everything has a symbol or a metaphor, a flower, a toaster, a fire hydrant, all of these things can mean something else to us. What abstract photography does is take that out of the equation. I think it is fascinating to take the context away from an image so that there is less for our brains to easily grab on to. It makes it a little more challenging to experience this kind of art.

There are a lot of different ways that you can do this, abstract photography doesn’t really have many rules, which is quite scary for some. I think a few of the most fascinating images are those that do their best to really remove all of that extra baggage. Those that are almost fully abstracted are quite impressive to me, its no easy feat either.

I took some time to do a little work with the camera myself. Some of these are certainly beginner level, I’ve never set out to intentionally do this before, and my photography skills are pretty…rudimentary to say the least. Some of the shapes and colours I produced are worth sharing though.

The second photo is a little less abstracted but I still think it’s quite pretty. It’s also hard to decide whether being 100% in focus matters or not…some of these are the latter.

Why we do.

There are two things on my mind that I want to talk about today. Oftentimes they are tenuously linked together and they sit in our subconscious so we don’t always notice them at all.

The first of these spreads across a wide berth. When I watched a video the other day of a girl who did 5 days without her phone it was interesting to compare her revelations to my own experience. I wouldn’t describe myself as overly attached to my phone as many people are now. For one, I don’t have data (or mobile internet). I also don’t use many social medias except for facebook and one or two others, but I don’t really experience these with my phone anyways. What I do use my device for, is staying connected with my long distance husband, and that is something I cant really give up. I guess I’ve taken it as a bit of a trade off, I connect with him all the time, so take a break from the social media when it comes to everyone else in the world. Anyways, this bit of distance from the subject allows me for a different kind of clarity so here are my thoughts.

The girl in the video was speaking about two different things that struck my brain as interesting. She spoke of how we use these devices as sensors for our self confidence and censors for our creativity. Especially those like me, that post things online on a  regular basis (on a blog, or some other media), I began to wonder at my own motivations for writing here. I know not many people see what I write, so the motivation is a little less extreme than wanting 100,000 hits, but there is no doubt that it feels nice when you get a “like” notification or a “follow.” The little surge of pride that comes with that could easily become a bit of a drug.

If you were do put time into something and absolutely no one saw it, it would be easy to fall into a what was the point mentality. You could start to think you’re wasting your time and that would seriously cramp confidence levels and creativity. If you’re publicizing it, why waste time making things that people are uninterested in.

I specifically say uninterested because disinterest is much different than people hating or liking something. At least if they hate it, or love it you’re getting a reaction, people are seeing it, and you might even be going for the hate reaction anyways. There are also plenty of artists and content creators that aim for that, but really any kind of a reaction is often better than none at all because at least it is a forward motion and our brains like that.

I Digress.

I have also found myself stressing about writing something on a regular basis, even if I had no good ideas or was running a blank. Alternatively, I have also posted something dumb just to get it checked off. These are clearly not good places to be coming from because for one it likely means I’m not having fun with it. From that point, I begin to wonder how much I automatically censor the things that I feel like writing about. I’m bound to think what might someone be interested in? What might people be really bored by? Do I really not have any ideas, or do I just have little ideas that feel a bit inconsequential so I dismiss them? What is worth a post? I start swirling into a little dark hole. Why does my brain feel the need to care what those other people would like? Why can’t it just be satisfied to do it for it’s own sake. I think that’s why I was so turned off from “becoming an artist” after college. I had only just figured out the things I liked to make and I didn’t really want that to be sullied and swayed by the opinions of others. Whether because they really liked it, hated it, or decided to copy it. It’s a struggle, art and creative pursuits are heavily linked to identity for me which complicates everything.

The other thing that was touched on, was how we use these things as a kind of social crutch. When we are in public we use our phone to mindlessly scroll through something because we might be scared, anxious, or bored. They have become something to break up dead periods of activity (like we need more activity in our lives). Why can’t we sit at the bus stop quietly looking around us, or speaking to the one sitting next to us? Are we so scared of “strangers,” or looking funny that we would rather bury our heads in our phones than experience the world naturally? Maybe it’s even been bred into us that strangers can’t be trusted. In turn this could have been reinforced when we were able to have this thing to separate ourselves from them.

Books are just the same, though a little less negative, they are able to take us away from the present, to separate us from ourselves and those around us, to pass the time and give us something to do with our frantic brains while we are in public. I think that the separation and distancing is what we’re looking for here.

These kind of social crutches have a surprisingly close relationship with the other thing I wanted to dig into. It is something called the spotlight effect, and it is increasingly prevalent in “modern brains” (hopefully that’s the last air quotes but no promises). This term refers to the tendency to think that more people notice something (anything) about you, than they (actually) do. I pulled that from this article on Psychology Today if you’d like to read up some more. What happens is we get a little overly wrapped up in our own heads and begin to imagine that everyone is practically drilling stares into us. When we sit alone at a cafe, or wait for our bus, or have a stain on our shirt, we begin to immediately over analyze it, thinking that everyone must be noticing and judging us. We don’t like that feeling so we try to mitigate it by taking our minds away and burrowing into our phones and books. Ultimately we’re scared of external judgement and we just want to fit in. We just feel this unexplainable need to follow the pack and move with the herd. Anything that might make us stick out is hard to come to grips with, it almost feels unnatural.

This is perpetuated when everyone else around us sit staring at their phones with headphones jammed in their earholes. So we often end up following suit. Where really, it’s not that bad to keep your head up and watch the world go by. I see some fascinating things this way, and often I’m able to avoid the status quo dilemma, but sometimes it still affects me. I feel anxious and turn to my phone to relieve it. So the spotlight effect almost encourages us to act this way, yet what will I be missing in the meantime?

I am way better than I used to be. I was one of those that was nervous of going shopping alone, I would never even dare going to the movies by myself, and even sitting alone in the library seemed like being in a nightmarish fish bowl, I would practically count the minutes if I ever had to spend some time in a coffee shop without someone else. Now, I would almost rather do some of those things alone. The edginess can still creep in though, and it fascinates me that something like this is so built into our psyches.

These things are so wrapped up in each other. It’s a little sad that our actions are so thoroughly influenced by the things that are external to us. It makes me think, would I really even want so choose so and so if it weren’t for my interpretation of something going on outside of myself? Would I even bother drinking coffee if most people hated it? And I mean if any of what I just said is true, like the scientists and psychologists say they are, how much of what makes up myself and my personality are actually coming from inside me? Or is every single little thing marginally dictated by something outside of myself? Do I actually like anything I profess to like, or do I just think I like them. Do I want kids because I want them? Do I really want a wedding? Do I want to wear shoes anymore?!

I better be careful or I’ll trigger some sort of crisis. It’s just all so interesting to think about, even if it’s impossible to come up with an answer. I guess it is just a cue to center myself and evaluate my decisions a little more.

Why I write:

I write to a friend that I don’t really know, addressing them with a closeness that is quite revealing. As if I’m speaking to someone that I wouldn’t hide from; one of those that you feel that strange sort of connection where you can talk non-stop even after being apart for any length of time. Where every time you meet, the conversation flows freely; time passes and you haven’t noticed it’s already 11 pm.

It reminds me of reading old forgotten letters people would send to update those they care about on the recent gossip in their lives. Filling them in on all of the details, giving and asking advice when it is needed, sometimes confessing things, or simply needing someone to listen to their words. It is a written conversation.

On the one hand the way I write is thoroughly therapeutic and marginally selfish.

Where, with a diary I write to myself or some ethereal thing, it almost helps more to write to another real person. Though no one may read whatever I write, putting it in the mindset that I am writing to another is oftentimes more soothing or placating than speaking to your own mind. Just as you would vent to your best friend, you elaborate so they understand, you look for the different opinion. You can talk yourself through this way. Yet when I write to “myself” I can sometimes inflame more than ever before. I can get stuck in my own head, I can ruminate too much and too deeply and lose the center of the point. And that often isn’t the point at all.

Often when I write in this way I do contemplate so that it comes to a head and I manage to find a new perspective. I begin to look at the angles and puzzle them together. This new truth is often the most helpful and stands poignantly. As it is, I have always likened to be something of a lifelong learner. Recognizing that new perspective in kind of an a-ha moment is almost an addictive drug. As soon as I do, I am drawn to share the insight. Not that I think I am so smart to have thought of something new, but just to bring it to the attention of another.

This is the most ideal mindset of the teacher. They do not intend to write the material themselves, only to show someone else what they have knowledge of, or have access to. It is to either teach them something entirely new, or reframe it and remind them of something they may already know. Sometimes as the case may be, it is actually establishing what they think they know and take for granted.

I always try to spread the knowledge I collect. I make the effort to think deeply and take everything into account, when we do that we can take a better position. Oftentimes the key to any problem, and even life, is looking from that different perspective. That’s what I like to share, but you could take it or leave it. I try not to push too hard. I hope that I could say something that would change how someone thinks, or to help them get through something they live or struggle with. I want to give advice or pass on a piece of information that could help.

If it resonates with that person on an deeper level I am all the happier. The chance that someone would pass it on to another beyond themselves and internalize it even further, is more than enough for me. The idea is enough and I can keep going because of that.

I write in hopes that it might help someone with their own problems or in case they see some similarity in my experiences. Maybe my long distance relationship inspires another couple to brave the distance. My interest in meditation could spark a journey for someone else. My artwork may even help someone strike up the confidence to start making. I might unknowingly help solve a problem.

I write as a teacher. I write as a helper. I write as a friend, or even a mentor if you’d like. I learn and share and pass it on. Or at least I try to.

I also write for myself, for therapeutic reasons to help me push through, to build strength, to think things over. If another person benefits from that, even better.

Any of it may inspire another person, and then again if it doesn’t, at least it makes me feel better.